Holiday Self-Compassion

by SA Wellness Chair Alexia Cervantes,

November 16, 2023

As we approach the holiday season, I invite you to consider practicing a little more mindfulness and self-compassion. We have all heard these terms and may think they are the same thing, however, there are significant differences. Both are practices of self-awareness. Can you practice one without the other? Yes. Does practicing these together enhance their effects? Yes.

Here are some key differences: Mindfulness is an awareness of moment-to-moment experience; Self-compassion is loving awareness of the experiencer. Mindfulness dismantles the self into moment-to-moment experience; Self-compassion melts the self in the warmth of kindness. Mindfulness asks, "What am I experiencing?" Self-compassion asks, "What do I need?"

The difference is that mindfulness regulates emotions by regulating attention and awareness whereas self-compassion regulates emotions by care and connection. Mindfulness says, "Feel your suffering with spacious awareness." Self-compassion says, "Be kind to yourself when you suffer." Together they create an infinite loop of fulfillment. The space of mindfulness creates warmth, and the warmth of compassion creates space.

To begin these practices, start with mindfulness. Why? Because we need to be aware of our suffering to have a compassionate response. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion at the same time. When we are overwhelmed, we need to stabilize our awareness in the present moment. We can use mindfulness to find where our emotions are in the body so we can relate compassionately to that part of the body. If we want to behave self-compassionately in the world, we need mindful awareness to choose the right course of action.

Next, layer in the other principles of self-compassion: common humanity and self-kindness. When we are suffering it is helpful to recognize that suffering is part of the human experience. It is something we all go through. Making this connection will reduce your sense of isolation and make space for healing. Lastly self-compassion is the practice of being kind, warm, and understanding towards ourselves. The result is greater emotional equanimity. An uncomplicated way to understand these principles is to imagine yourself in conversation with a friend when they are experiencing stress. Most of us would not hold judgment or react negatively, but rather extend understanding and compassion. However, when most of us feel stress, we tend to judge ourselves and create negative stories around the situation.

Here is the crux of the practices. The purposes of mindfulness and self-compassion are not to feel better, but to respond with kindness to ourselves in our moments of suffering.

Here is one self-compassion exercise you can do right now:

How would you treat a friend?
Please take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:

1. First, think about times when a close friend feels bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you are at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
2. Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.
3. Did you notice the difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that led you to treat yourself and others so differently?
4. Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you are suffering.

Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?

Learn more:

• UC San Diego Center for Mindfulness
• Self Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff
• Christopher Germer, Ph.D.